Last year, the uninformed opinion proved right, and my beloved Seahawks (I can still name at least one of their players, I think) went down like birds of prey suddenly pummeled by angry steelworkers assisted by sketchy referees.
This year, we see what mighty forces converge when the Chicago Bears take on the Indianapolis Colts. Once again, I have a bit of a bias to confess. Inidanapolis stole the Colts from my hometown (before we, you know, stole a team for ourselves).
That being said, I’m going to try to dispassionately predict who will win based on who would win in a fight between actual bears and actual colts.
THE PASSING GAME
Bears have massive, powerful arms. If they could actually grip a football without utterly crushing it or deflating it with their razor-sharp flesh-shredding claws, they could throw it, like, at least a few yards. They can’t catch for shit, but neither can horses, so it’s a wash. This is why I predict the Bears will focus on their passing game.
Colts have no arms. They can, however, kick like motherfuckers. ADVANTAGE: BEARS
THE RUNNING GAME
Colts are powerful steeds and other really manly words for horses and so can run very, very fast. Much faster than bears, who have short stubby legs and must use their arms to run on all fours which, as you know, is completely illegal in football, unless you’re a horse. If you’ve never seen a bear try to run “human-style,” it’s just hilarious, really. This is why I predict the Colts will focus on their running game.
Bears, however, can climb like motherfuckers. ADVANTAGE: COLTS
ANIMAL TO ANIMAL
If a bear and a colt ever came face-to-face, the colt would be hellascrewed (it’s a football term). The bear would slash and tear and generally “fuck up” the horse. Good thing for the horse this would never, ever happen. The colt could run much faster than the bear, who would never catch it. But you can’t win a game by running away from it. Nor can you win it by mauling horses. So I’m not sure what this has to do with anything. Why did you bring it up? ADVANTAGE: EVEN
STAR POWER
Over the years, many films have been made about bears, including The Bear, Brother Bear, The Bad News Bears (about a team of bear/journalists) and Hey, That’s My Bear! The fact that Hey, That’s My Bear! is not a real film in no way diminishes the importance of bears on film. Horses on film, however, have an even richer tradition, with Black Beauty, The Black Stallion and Blackula (The Horse, Not the African-American Vampire) as but a few examples. In none of these films, though, has a horse ever really kicked any kind of ass (aside from the odd trampling, but really, who cares?) whereas it’s almost impossible to put a bear in a movie and have him or her not maul or threaten to maul, even to comic effect (see: The Great Outdoors or that crappy film with Seth Green – actually, The Great Outdoors sucked, too; don’t see either). ADVANTAGE: BEARS
GAMBLING ADDICTIVITY (IT’S A WORD)
If horseracing is the sport of kings, then bearracing (if it were legal, or remotely feasible) would be the sport of slightly paunchier kings. Unfortunately for bears, horses (and to a lesser extent dogs, and in three states, babies) have cornered the market on racing for sport (and by sport, I mean gambling). If bears did race, we would gladly spend a fortune betting on our favorites, with colorful names like Mauly McGee, The Thresher King and Not The Face! But they don’t. ADVANTAGE: COLTS (unless they finally legalize the Ultimate Bear Fighting Championship).
SEX APPEAL
To my knowledge, no one has ever spread rumors about Catherine the Great doing it with a bear. Just saying. ADVANTAGE: CAN’T SEE HOW THIS WOULD HELP EITHER TEAM
So, on the field, as in nature, bears and colts are evenly matched, which is why I’m predicting the first tie in the history of the Superbowl, which would, of course, lead us into the first overtime in Superbowl history, at which point the Bears would win because of karma you Colt fuckers! (Note: I am referring here to the Colts as fuckers, not to people who like to have sex with horses – looking in your direction, your Highness.)
Philip Noyce directs and Tim Robbins and Derek Luke star in this politically charged thriller about a man accused of a crime he didn’t commit, then radicalized by the torture he receives at the hands of his captors in 1980s South Africa. Based on the true story of Patrick Chamusso. Extras include commentary from Noyce, Robbins, Luke and Chamusso, among others.
Don’t know how this quite warrants a two disc collection, but at least the dogfight sequences in this WWI drama are supposed to be pretty neat. That’s about it. Extras include a whole mess of featurettes and a DVD-ROM game.
One of two Christian-themed films that came out of nowhere to make significant grosses last year. Shot by a church in Albany, Georgia for $100,000, this football drama went on to gross over $10 million. Doesn’t make it a well-reviewed film (it isn’t), but still a neat story. Extras include an interview with the University of Georgia Bulldogs Coach Mark Richt.
This would be the other Christian-themed film to pull ridiculous grosses out of thin air, though this one, admittedly, had a major studio backing it (the new Fox/Faith label), which may explain how it managed to open in the top ten with virtually no major network advertising. Also had the star power of Omar Sharif, John Rhys-Davies, Peter O’Toole, and Tommy “Tiny” Lister, who really should be in more Biblical epics. Again, not all that well-reviewed. Cost 200 times as much as Giants and made about $3 million more.
The latest attempt by the WWE to practice tthe alchemy that turns wrestling icons like The Rock into action stars turned out more like See No Evil, which took Kane from “wrestling star” to “wrestling star who was in a movie once.” In this case, it’s John Cena facing off against Robert Patrick, which hardly seems fair.Don’t worry, the unrated edition also includes the rated edition on the same disc.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
So here’s 
*{Actually, I do have a theory about that. The Writer’s Guild is in the midst of trying to recruit all reality television writers into their fold so that if they go on strike, the networks can’t just rely on reality programming to get them through the crunch. Giving a “reality-based” movie like Borat a screenplay nod reinforces the message that reality TV needs writers, too.}
Eastwood and Greengrass are the surprises in Directing. Overall, I underestimated Letters, and this is just one example. Greengrass totally earned this nod, which evaded him when the DGA nods dropped. And if United is to receive but only two nods (Directing and Editing) at least they’re the two for which it is most deserving.
At this point, you know whether or not you like the Saw. Me, I still haven’t gotten around to the first one (long, long Netflix backlog). So in lieu of an opinion, please enjoy the following Tobin Bell trivia. Did you know he plays Robert DeNiro’s parole officer in Goodfellas?
Time was when Andrew Davis was helming films like The Fugititve. Now he’s helming Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner in a film that, in theory, should be very exciting. Being a Coast Guard rescue swimmer is one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet. But, then again, it’s Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner. Even positive reviews use the word “cliché.”
Does anyone think it’s a coincidence that 
Maggie Gyllenhaal earned a Golden Globe nod for her portrayal of a single mom just out of prison in this debut feature (if you don’t count the doc Nuyorican Dream) from writer/director Laurie Collyer. Keep an eye out for character actor faves Danny Trejo and Giancarlo Esposito.
Controversial, but more interestingly endorsed by some on both sides of the controversy, this doc takes a look at an evangelical Christian camp for kids in North Dakota. Keep an eye out for Ted “Naughty” Haggard toward the end of the film. Guaranteed to freak you out or give you hope for the future.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Remember 
So Babel, huh? Didn’t see that coming. I’d say this would affect its Oscar nod chances, but noms closed Saturday. If it does get a Best Picture nod (and if the 
Tony Jaa (Ong Bak) goes after two stolen elephants. If that doesn’t do it for ya, I don’t know what will. Loads of extras, including the longer Thai cut of the film and commentary by Asian film expert Bey Logan.
David Tennant (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) ably takes over for Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor in the second season of the revamp of the classic British sci-fi series. The season itself delivers on the promise of season one with the return of a classic Who foe and two classic Who companions and a season-ending showdown some 30-odd years in the making. Also, keep an eye out for Hustle regular Marc Warren and fellow Potter alum Shirley Henderson in the “Love and Monsters” ep and Buffy alum Anthony Head in “School Reunion.” Extras include commentary on every ep, and video diaries from Tennant.
Of the three true-life football stories released last year, this is by far the one with the most appearances by The Rock and Xzibit. Top that Invincible and We Are Marshall! Includes a profile of director Phil Jouanou, whse last good film may have been Rattle & Hum.
A new wave of cinema is hitting theaters in which we see the origin stories of popular characters such as Batman or James Bond. Here we see Leatherface begin, and in February we can look forward to seeing Hannibal Lechter’s backstory. The behind-the-scenes featurette is, of course, called “Down to the Bone.”
The combination of Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson secured a healthy box office (compared to the meater $12 million budget) for this flick even before DVD, where it’s sure to thrive. Film-wise, however, it’s a little early to say that Cook has “arrived.” Although I don’t really want to see the movie, the audio commentary with Cook has me curious.
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