When I was writing up Who’s Your Caddy and lamenting the sad state of “urban” cinema, two alternate, completely offensive titles came to mind before I settled on Black Men Can’t Golf:

Caddyblack

Nappy Gilmore

Thank you. I’ll be here all week.

Sometimes films get the audience they deserve. The Simpsons Movie opens to a whopping $71.85 million (to which I contributed at least ten bucks) while Who’s Your Caddy nabs $2.9 million.

And Once, btw, is just as good as you’ve been told.

And Sunshine is equal parts beautiful, creepy and intense.

8/3

Wide

UNDERDOG

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Dog gets superpowers.

WILL IT SUCK?
The director did Racing Stripes and one of the three writers did Zoom, so I’m not optimistic. Nice cast, tho, with Jason Lee as the voice of Underdog and Peter Dinklage and Patrick Warburton as the bad guys. Also, keep an eye out for Samantha Bee.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
All the family-ish crap is coming out now. You’ve got the second frame of Simpsons and this week Bratz, Charlie Bartlett, El Cantate and Hot Rod, all of which will pull on diff. sectors of this demo. – and then next week, Daddy Day Camp and Stardust. Still, people love them some talking animals. $50mil.

CHARLIE BARTLETT

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Kind of like that part in Rushmore where he goes to public school if he then started giving psychiatric advice and drugs to students.

WILL IT SUCK?
I’m not the only one making Rushmore comparisons. Richard Horgan over at FilmStew compares Robert Downey, Jr. in this film to Bill Murray in the other. Hope Davis is up in here, too, as Bartlett’s mom. Early buzz is very good.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Crowded weekend, nobody knows about it, similarly-themed Rocket Science comes out (albeit in limited release) next week, and even Rushmore didn’t make good wide release money. $15mil.

EL CANTANTE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The Salsa King

WILL IT SUCK?
Basically critics seem split on whether or not the caliente muscial numbers are enough to support the whatever-is-Spanish-for-tepid rest of the film. But, if you wanna see J-Lo and M-Anto in a movie together, now’s your chance.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Outside her wheelhouse, J-Lo is no safe bet. $26mil.

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Matt Damon kicks more ass.

WILL IT SUCK?
They’ve really pulled out all the stops (and no, I will not make a Tom Stoppard pun here even though he’s contributing to the screenplay). Paul Greengrass is back in the director’s chair and Tony Gilroy is back writing with the aforementioned Stoppard in tow as well as a little Paul Attanasio thrown in for good measure (we’ll try to forget that George “The Sentinel” Nolfi is also credited). All the regular cast is back along with David Straithairn following in the character-actor-turned-Bourne-villain steps of Chris Cooper and Brian Cox before him. Unfortunately, the rumored casting of Gael Garcia Bernal as Carlos the Jackal failed to materialize. I doubt that pitting Bourne against Carlos is even in the plot anymore, but who knows?

Early buzz is waaay off the hook.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Little bit of competition from Rush Hour 3 next week, but not much. $167mil.

HOT ROD

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Andy Samberg as a would-be daredevil.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Samberg cohort Akiva Schaffer directs a script from Trey Parker and Matt Stone writing partner Pam Brady. Isla Fisher (who proved her comedy chops in Wedding Crashers) co-stars with Will Arnett and Ian McShane.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
With SNL on hiatus, who will pimp Hot Rod? $20mil.

BRATZ

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The horror…the horror…

WILL IT SUCK?
I’ve gotta say, they’ve put together the right writer and director for this. The director helmed 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain and the writer did The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Oh, and the clothes were designed by Jeffrey Sebelia of Project Runway fame, so it’s got that going for it.

Early buzz is not hot. Ed Gonzalez over at Slant couldn’t bring himself to give it even one complete star.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
This will pretty much own its demographic, with some straying towards Underdog because puppies are cute. $33mil.

Limited

BECOMING JANE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Anne Hathaway IS Jane Austen.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is favorable, but not exactly gushing. Good supporting cast, with James McAvoy once again playing second fiddle to a famous historic figure (I can’t wait for the scene where Jane Austen hangs him by his nipples) and Dame Maggie Smith, Julie Walters and James “I bet you thought I was British” Cromwell all on board.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Plenty of starpower in The Ten this week, but a completely different audience. $2mil.

THE TEN

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The Ten Commandments via The State.

WILL IT SUCK?
Not as good as it should be. More here.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
There’s nothing like it out there, but I don’t know how strong The State following really is. $2mil.

Next Week: Who’s the highest-paid actor in Hollywood? I’ll give you hint. He hasn’t made a movie in six years.

I meant to post about this a while ago and I don’t know if the show is even there anymore, but a while back the Cooper Hewitt Design Museum had an exhibit on socially responsible design which includes gems like the above Q-Drum, which makes it hella-easier to carry large quantities of water long distances in a “Why didn’t I think of that?” kind of way.

See the full slide show of nifty green solutions.

via Some Guy With a Website

The cast has been chosen for the graphic novel that everyone has already told you twice that you should read…

Billy Crudup = Dr. Manhattan

Dr. Manhattan is kind of a big, blue, naked, translucent, pan-dimensional being, so I’m not sure how much it matters who plays him, but I’m still glad Crudup got the part.

Patrick Wilson = Night Owl

To be honest, I don’t remember all that much about Night Owl. He’s practically the main character, but he plays straight man to the menagerie of psychos and damaged goods in this piece, so it’s not the showiest of roles.

Matthew Goode = Ozymandias

Here’s where things get interesting. Yes, everybody thought Jude Law had this one locked and, frankly, he would have been awesome, but I never realized just how good Goode was until I read about this casting and looked back to try to remember who the hell he was.

Here he is in Match Point:

And here he is in The Lookout:

I’ve seen both and I had no idea it was the same guy until I read that it was the same guy. That’s good acting. And that’s why he’s going to make a fantastic Ozymandias.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan = The Comedian

Don’t do Grey’s Anatomy, so I can’t tell you much. Let’s just hope he can play really. fucking. mean.

Jackie Earle Haley = Rorschach

Here’s where Zack Snyder maintains and increases his 300 cred. No one would think of Haley for Rorschach off the top of their heads, but when you hear it, it just clicks somehow. There’s a tortured intensity to Rorschach that Haley can play the shit out of. An unbelievably difficult casting choice, and Snyder nails it.

Malin Akerman = Silk Spectre

From what little I’ve seen of her on Entourage and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, I have no idea if she can pull this off (beyond the “are you hot?” qualification). We’ll just have to wait and see.

What I like about these choices overall is that these are not complete unknowns (if you pay any attention to the indie scene – hell, if you’ve seen Little Children you’re already familiar with two of them) and yet none of them are the usual suspects. And, most importantly, they fit. Spielberg excels at this kind of casting, and to look at Snyder’s choices here and in 300, he may, too.

So I’ve been caught up in the 7-11 Simpsons promo.

This is me at a 7-11 in DC across from the National Zoo.

I still haven’t actually tried Buzz cola, but I’m curious.

This is Butterstick, who is now the size of some much larger quantity of butter. (Like I said, we were by the zoo.)

Our friends Liz and Jarriel went to one of the fully converted 7-11′s in Maryland and got us a Radioactive Man comic and…

Some KrustyO’s. They taste like Froot Loops.

And yes, I’m going opening night.

So, they didn’t allow cameras in, but that hasn’t stopped me before. Here, without further ado, The Police at Citizen’s Bank Park, July 19, 2007.

The Fratellis opened. They were awesome. Their lead singer has curly hair. That thing coming out of his mouth is music. The lead singer kinda looks and sounds like Dominic Monahan, so I kept calling them Drive Shaft in my head.

This is meant to give you a rough idea of how far away we were from the stage. Unfortunately, I don’t really know how to draw perspective. But we were third row back, waaay to the left. In front of that security guy there. Actually pretty good seats. Well, the actual physical seats were like the ones they used in high school when they had to fill up the floor of the gym for some reason. The seats four feet to our right were, like, $50 more.

These are the actual Police. That happy guy on the left there is Sting. His voice is still amazing. They saved “Roxanne” for near the end of the show, and the whole damn thing is in his high register. You know who else still has an amazing voice after all these years? Prince. It’s sick.

Anyway, that guy on the right is Andy Summers, who did a blistering solo on a sweet medley of “Visions of the Night/When the World Is Running Down” (did NOT expect “Visions of the Night”, btw – very cool). Other than that, though, he seemed kind of grumpy. But he did have the coolest flair – a “They Killed Kenny!” guitar strap.

And the man in the center is noneother than Stewart Copeland, whom I’m giving the MVP. As my friend Jamil said, he came out ready for battle. Seriously, he looked like he just came from one rugby brawl and was on his way to another and was really, really happy about it. You never realize just how strenuous a workout a typical Police song is on the drums until you actually watch it happen.

And as for the small arms cache of percussion instruments behind him, they were basically there for two songs – “Wrapped Around Your Finger” and “Walking in Your Footsteps,” both of which were masterful. He would be running back and forth from his drum kit to the percussion museum behind him during each song and would not miss a beat. Amazing.

All in all, a great show. Excellent mix of popular-among-everybody and popular-among-Police-fans tunes. I was especially happy that they found room for “Can’t Stand Losing You” and Jamil and I both appreciated that instead of ending the show with the second-encore-closer “Every Breath You Take” they came out for one more and did the less pop-radio-friendly “Next to You.”

Also the first concert I’ve been to where people brought their kids.

I’m getting old.

Oh, btw, the last time The Police played Philly, the lineup was Madness, Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, REM and The Police.

Yeah. I know.

I hate to admit it, but I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry may have beat out the second frame of Harry Potter. On the other hand, I kind of predicted that, but it’s still not a good feeling.

7/27

Wide

SKINWALKERS

(Delayed from March.)

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Kind of like Underworld without the vampires. Or 1/12 the budget.

WILL IT SUCK?
From the director of Jason X. Wait. Where are you going?

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
About as well as Blood and Chocolate. $4mil.

UPDATE: They’ve moved the release date again.  Now you can look forward to missing it Aug. 10th.

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
How could that possibly matter?

WILL IT SUCK?
Probably not. Simpsons is like pizza. It’s always good. And they’ve pulled out all the stops. The director has been with them from the very beginning (literally, he directed Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire) and the massive screenwriting team reads like a who’s who of classic Simpsons writers. And the trailers have been increasingly hilarious.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Good, but not great. $129mil.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Lindsay Lohan survives an attack with no memory of her ordeal. But is it really her? Or her twin!? Dun-dun-dun!!!

WILL IT SUCK?
Let’s go over the things I know…

…what you did last summer.

…why the caged bird sings.

…that my first name is Steven.

…and, now, who killed me. Boy, I’m smart. As far as this goes, however, the only exciting thing is that Lonelygirl15 is making her big screen debut.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Just My Luck couldn’t pack ‘em in. And that was before rehab. $18mil.

NO RESERVATIONS

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Icy cook Catherine Zeta-Jones gets all humanized when she gets guardianship of Little Miss Sunshine.
WILL IT SUCK?
A remake of Mostly Martha which, by most accounts, will be hard to top. Directed by Scott Hicks, from whom we haven’t really heard since Shine. Early buzz isn’t great.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I think audiences may have cooled on Zeta-Jones. $35mil.

WHO’S YOUR CADDY?

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Black Men Can’t Golf

WILL IT SUCK?
I think this sums it up nicely.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Remember Soul Plane? $14mil.

Limited

ARCTIC TALE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
An Inconvenient March of the Polar Bears…and Walruses

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good but warns of “treacly” narration which is not surprising since this is the first doc trailer I’ve ever seen with fart jokes.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s not gonna do Penguins or even Truth numbers, but it’ll play. $2mil.

THIS IS ENGLAND

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Coming of age story about a boy who becomes a skinhead in Thatcher’s England.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz has this as writer/director Shane Meadows (Dead Man’s Shoes, Once Upon a Time in the Midlands) best film yet. Won the Best Independent British Film at the British Independent Film Awards.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Even with a name (Paddy Considine), Meadows’ last film (Dead Man’s Shoes) had trouble getting traction. $500,000.

MOLIERE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Famous French playwright plays Cyrano for rich benefactor trying to woo a young lady.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Trailer has “wacky guy” narration, but I’m hoping the film is better than that. In case you were wondering, none of this ever happened, but the film takes place in the period of the playwright’s life that no one knows about so, maybe it did.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The Ten has indie comedy with recognizable stars the following week. $500,000.

Next Week: The last potentially great sequel of the summer.

I’ve started writing for a new online magazine, two.one.five. Here are two bonus lines from my first review for them, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

On the insultingly over-the-top gay stereotypes director Dennis Dugan puts in the film:

“You’d swear after each take Dugan was all, ‘That was great, but could you make it gayer? I’ve got a fever, and the only cure is more gay.’”

and

“In an uncredited role, Rob Schneider gives the most enlightened portrayal of an Asian American since Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Read what made the cut.

Also, saw The Police last night, but more on that later. The one sentence summup is “Holy shit that rocked.”

Finally, a shout-out to my boy Hillman in Wired.

One of the things we talked about at Blogphiladelphia was monetizing your blog and how to do it without feeling dirty. The idea of honesty came up once or twice. So, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to show you the one ad currently on my blog. It’s here. At the bottom. Don’t know if I’m going to do more or not, but if I do they’ll be clearly labeled.

Now that we’ve had this little chat, I feel clean like Obama.

Met some fine folks at Blogphiladelphia. This is just a small sample. There are many, many, many, many, many more.

Photos by Jason Smith.

This is Josh Hallett, who insisted upon NOT being called the “godfather of the unconference,” though I think he got that title because out of all of us there, he was the most unconferenced. Led a great panel on best practices for PR folks pitching bloggers.

I didn’t actually meet Annie Heckenberger, but she’s the reason this all happened.

Jillian Ashley Blair Ivey (call her Jill) liveblogged the whole thing for Phillyist.

Chris O’Donnell (who, according to his card, is “not the actor”) works for TechDirt, who gets corporations to pay bloggers mad dough for answers to their questions.

Valeria Maltoni ran the Open Source Marketing session and proved to be one of the smartest people in a room full of very smart people.

Vince Veneziani is an associate editor with CrunchGear, technically the competition, but we got along just fine.

Caroline Bean, GPTMC Media Relations, took time out from helping to run the thing to attend a session or two.

Philebrity editor & co-founder Joey Sweeney led the City Blogs session.

Colin Devroe evangelizes for a video player that’s so bad-ass it’s going to take a whole ‘nuther post just to explain it.

Earthlink’s Dave Coustan gives corporate blogging a good name. He also has the coolest title on his business card: “Blog Master”

Scott McNulty led two sessions and is just an all-around cool guy. Find him here, here, here or here.

Alex Hillman, the man with the mic, is simply The Man. He helped organize this – and about twenty other cool goings-on in Philly. I’ll let his blog speak for itself.

Hey, you! Pay attention!