40. Rumble in the Bronx - Rumble in the House of Random Objects

“I hope the next time when we meet, we won’t be fighting each other. Instead, we will be drinking tea together.”

In 1996, New Line reintroduced Jackie Chan to America (the Cannonball Run cameos failed to stick) with a cut import of Rumble in the Bronx. While not necessarily representing the best Chan had to offer, it more than sufficed to establish what Hong Kong had known for decades and helped usher in a late 90’s obsession with chop socky.

The film introduced the States to Chan’s lightning-quick fighting style and suicidal stunts, but this scene firmly established two other Chan staples - fighting multiple enemies at once and, more importantly, the ability to use anything within reach as a weapon.

The scene begins with Chan storming into the bad guy’s den, which can only be described as a cross between a frat house and a disused Sears storeroom. Chan is pissed for some reason, and he throws down using the following objects:

Ottoman

Barcaloungers

Refrigerators

Stereo speakers

TV

Pinball machines

Ski

and, my personal favorite…

a Shopping Cart

New Line and Miramax would go on to release other re-edited Hong Kong Chan films while Chan would launch two successful franchises with Chris Tucker and Owen Wilson before descending into a self-parodying suck spiral. But no other actor would match his MacGyver-like fighting style.

See Also: Jackie vs. 100 in Drunken Boxer II, Singin’ in the Rain tribute in Shanghai Knights, Pool hall fight in Rush Hour, Ladder fight in First Strike, all of Rumble in the Bronx and Supercop

Next: Probably the single most bad-ass move on this list.

41. The Musketeer - The Tower

“I’m not dead. Now will you please go kill him?”

When director Peter Hyams was handed the script for 2001’s The Musketeer, he hesitated because he did not know how to make the Dumas tale fresh for modern audiences. He decided to marry Western and Eastern action styles which, while popular in the early aughts hadn’t really been applied to period combat before. He grabbed legendary Hong Kong choreographer Xin Xin Xiong and spent a year planning out set pieces.

Unfortunately, they didn’t spend nearly that long on the script.

The Musketeer is a horrible, horrible film with some excellent action sequences. Not the least of which is the climactic battle between our hero, D’Artagnan (Justin “No, really, I’m not Chris O’Donnell” Chambers), and Febre (Tim Roth) who, in this sequence, looks like nothing so much as a big, giant pirate rooster.

The sequence begins with O’Donnell, er D’Artagnan scaling a tower to meet his beloved (Mena Suvari, for some reason). On his way up, he does battle with a few bad guys in a pretty original rappelling swordfight. In a far less original move, he then battles Febre on a series of ladders in the, um, ladder room.

The chances of anyone catching on to the fact that this ladder battle is a big, fat rip-off are slim for two reasons. Not many Americans have seen the source material, the Jet Li masterpiece Once Upon a Time in China, and not many people in any country saw The Musketeer.

Still, for all its unoriginality, it’s actually, to my eyes, an even more successful sequence. It spends even more time on the ladders than China and moves at an even more furious pace. The incorporation of swordplay adds an element of originality born in Hyams’ initial East-meets-West conceit, and the camerawork (also courtesy of Hyams) goes even further to exploit the potential of the concept, literally moving with the ladders.

And, most importantly, there are a higher number of kick-ass moves.

The magic of the sequence stems from it’s ability to move in all three dimensions, and Xiong makes the most of this, even having D’Artagnan fight Febre while upside down.

In case you’re wondering how the China fight ended up in The Musketeer, here’s an easy theory: Xiong, who also doubled for Roth, doubled for Jet Li in Once Upon a Time in China. He would go on to coordinate many other crappy American films, including both Dennis Rodman attempts at stardom, Simon Sez and Double Team.

See also: All of Once Upon a Time in China, the rest of The Musketeer (but only the action scenes), the vertical swordfight from Seven Swords; all of Rob Roy (just so you can see what it’s like when Tim Roth plays a bad guy in a good film).

Next: Watch someone get their ass kicked with a shopping cart.

I really thought I was talking out of my ass when I predicted $30mil for Mr. Bean’s Holiday, but it ended up being the highest grosser of last weekend’s new flicks, coming in at number four with Superbad staying on top. With a $9.9mil gross, Bean’s well on his way to matching my optimistic forecast.

8/31

Wide

HALLOWEEN

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Rob Zombie remakes the indie horror classic.

WILL IT SUCK?
Although the footage screened at Comic Con underwhelmed (at least the Cinematical guy), other buzz has this as a very accomplished work by Zombie, who wowed critics with The Devil’s Rejects in 2005. The early Variety review, though, isn’t so hot.

Great casting: Malcom McDowell as Dr. Loomis, Brad Douriff as the Sheriff, Zombie’s wife Sheri Moon plays Michael’s mom, Tyler Mane (that’s Sabretooth to you) plays Michael, and Udo Kier, Danny Trejo, Daryl Sabara, Dee Wallace, Adrienne Barbeau, Sybil Danning, Micky Dolenz and Clint Fucking Howard are all up in here, too.

Scout Taylor-Compton, who is starring in another horror remake (April Fool’s Day), steps into Jamie Lee Curtis’ shoes.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
People are psyched for this shit. $50mil.

BALLS OF FURY

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Enter the world of underground ping-pong.

WILL IT SUCK?
As funny as The State is (and as funny as I’m told Reno 911! is) when these guys write movies, it just doesn’t work (The Pacifier, Herbie: Fully Loaded, Let’s Go to Jail). So I’m not all that psyched for this one - in spite of Christopher Walken in a goofy outfit. Early buzz has this sputtering out in act three.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
A little distance from Superbad probably doesn’t hurt. $29mil.

DEATH SENTENCE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Death Wish, Bacon-style

WILL IT SUCK?
From Saw director James Wan and based on the same novel as the original Death Wish so, yeah, it’s deep. Sadly, the only other stars besides Kevin Bacon are John Goodman and Aisha Tyler, so this won’t do much for six degrees.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Nobody’s been waiting for a Death Wish remake. $17mil.

Limited

LADRON QUE ROBA A LADRON

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Latino heist flick.

WILL IT SUCK?
Not much is known about this movie except that the director has done a lot of telenovelas, none of which have gotten much love on IMDB.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
As I said, not much is known, which means the film itself is probably not known. On the other hand, chances are I’m not watching any of the markets where they’re advertising this, and the “little seen” La Mujer de mi Hermano made some serious green. $2mil.

THE NINES

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The long-awaited (by John August fans, anyway) indie about overlapping lives.

WILL IT SUCK?
The term “metaphysical” comes up a lot in reviews for Go, Big Fish and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory writer John August’s directorial debut. The sentiment “really fucking good” comes up a lot, too. Ryan Reynolds, Hope Davis, Melissa McCarthy play three roles each, if that gives you a taste of the trippiness.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Aside from a few die-hard August fans, I don’t know that anybody knows about this. $1mil.

EXILED

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Johnnie To gangster flick.

WILL IT SUCK?
IMDB’ers consider it to be To’s best, while critics are a little more split. I’ll tell you this much, every film fest I’ve been to this year (and missed it at) people raved.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Johnny To is not a name yet in the States. $250,000.

Next Week: Do not fuck with Clive Owen.

SXSW is upon us again. Actually, it isn’t until March, but, not unlike the Presidential elections, it’s never too early to start talking about it. Endlessly.

Anyway, this year I’ve finally gotten off my ass and submitted a panel. It’s a talk I’ve given at CreativeCamp and BlogPhiladelphia to rousing success and few if any have thrown fruit or vegetables. The gist of it is how a post like this makes no sense without the invention of the hyperlink and how that may or may not suggest a new way to create meaning in writing or a new writing style altogether.

The good folks at SXSW Interactive have set up a Panel Picker where you can help decide which panels will be accepted. You can rate my idea here.

While you’re at it…

Rate Kevin S.

Rate Kevin L.

Rate Alex

Rate Joshua

42. The Road Warrior - Final Chase

“The juice. The precious juice…”

It’s one thing to have a car chase. It’s another to have a fight scene. This is one of the most successful sequences to go all Reese’s peanut butter cups with that shit. And where most action sequences end with a big-ass explosion, this one gets the party started with one. The largest ever created for an Australian film at the time.

One thing that’s often forgotten about writer/director George Miller’s 1981 Mad Max sequel is the utterly gorgeous cinematography by Dean Semier. His photography evokes the bullet ballet equivalent of a demolition derby. The aerial camera work in particular is astonishing.

The sheer desperation of the sequence sells it. Our heroes are outgunned, outmanned and outsavaged by the baddies, and their seemingly Tonka tough rig is picked apart man by man like a slasher film in precis. Nobody dies well in this sequence. It’s the like the most fucked-up game of Mario Kart ever.

Also, you’ll be hard-pressed to come up with another sequence that features double-fisting crossbows and a feral kid.

Here’s Part One:

Here’s Part Two:

See also: Nick Cage and Holly Hunter vs. the “warthog from hell” in Raising Arizona, the entire chase from Cyberdine to the smelting pot in T2, car vs. car in Die Another Day, Road Warrior climax redux in Beyond Thunderdome.

Next: Ripping off Once Upon a Time in China has never been this fun.

43. Chariots of Fire - Bravest Victory

“It was not the prettiest quarter I’ve ever seen Mr. Liddel. Certainly the bravest.”

Hugh Hudson’s 1981 Cinderella story is chock full of running sequences, so how can one stand out? First of all, Hudson is wise enough to make each sequence distinctive either by location or shooting style. Secondly, this one seems like it couldn’t possibly have happened, but it did.

In the film, on June 2nd, 1923, at a 400 meter duel between Scotland and France, Scottish runner Eric Liddel (Ian Charleson) is pushed off the track, falls, rolls, gets back up and comes from last place to win the race. This is apparently based on a true incident, which was actually preceded by Liddel winning two other races that day (if Wikipedia is to be trusted).

The scene also stands out for being a dramatic crossroads for the major players. It’s the first time runner Harold Abrams (Ben Cross) sees his rival Liddel in action. One of the most memorable shots in the sequence takes place not on the track, but in the stands, with Abrams crushing his program as he sees how much of a bad-ass he’s up against.

The scene also introduces trainer Sam Mussabini (Ian Holm). Abrams introduces himself to Mussabini at the end of the sequence (and were introduced, in fact, by Liddel in real life).

Vangelis’ briliantly anachronistic score does a lot of the heavy lifting, as does fantastic camera work by David Watkin, including one amazing shot from behind and overhead as Liddel takes the lead in slo-mo.

As with many successful action sequences, the actors received exhaustive training in their characters’ milieu, so that pain you see on Charleson’s face is real. And the bit where he throws his head back is based on Liddel’s actual habit of throwing his head back to get that last burst of speed.

See also: The rest of Chariots, final race in Breaking Away, Roy’s final at-bat in The Natural

Next: Even without checking, I’m pretty sure this’ll be the only one on the list with a feral kid.

44. Lethal Weapon 2 - The Bathroom All to Himself

“Guys like you don’t die on toilets.”

Can an action sequence have no motion? This is the question posed by one of the most memorable scenes in the arguably-better-than-the-original 1989 sequel. With nothing more than two men sitting in a bathroom, director Richard Donner and dear departed screenwriter Jeffrey Boam set up a scenario that elicits all the emotions of a traditional action set piece, in which things actually move and stuff.

There is, however, an explosion. You gotta give it that.

Bomb defusing scenes are actually an action film staple, but none have the originality or wit of this variation. And though they’ve since migrated to opposite sides of the political spectrum, to put it lightly, Gibson and Glover give hella-performances here, their eyes communicating more hetero-man-love than most Republican candidates appear comfortable with.

By the way, my favorite bit of trivia about this movie is that it was a hit in South Africa.

See also: Robert Redford must move veeeery slowly in Sneakers, pretty much every bomb defusing scene in Blown Away, Michelle Monaghan zaps the shit out of Tom Cruise to keep his head from blowing up in Mission: Impossible III.

Next: One of only two movies on this list to win the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Superbad is well on its way to a $92mil. haul and it deserves every penny. And I thought it would only make it to $65mil.

8/24

Wide

WAR

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Jason Statham vs. Jet Li

WILL IT SUCK?
Is it bad that the only reason I’m really curious about this is Devon Aoki? I’m not inspired by the music video director or the newbie writers, but it is mildly interesting to see Li return to playing a heavy, which he did expertly in Lethal 4. From the trailer, though, you’d think Statham was the one who knew more kung fu. You’d also think that Li has simply given up speaking.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
People love them some Li. Even more people love them some Statham. $46mil.

MR. BEAN’S HOLIDAY

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Title says it all.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is not so good. Rowan Atkinson is a funny motherfucker. Why do the Bean films appear to suck so aggressively?

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The last Bean movie made $250mil worldwide, $45mil of that was here. $30mil.

ILLEGAL TENDER

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy goes to Puerto Rico to avenge some shit.

WILL IT SUCK?
Writer/Director Franc Reyes last flick was Empire, which didn’t blow anyone away. Not too high hopes for this one, either. Early buzz is not good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s a mistake to open against War. $7mil.

THE NANNY DIARIES

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The Devil’s Son Wears OshKosh B’Gosh

WILL IT SUCK?
Stranger than the Weinstein Bros. changing the release date every five minutes is the fact that, in a WTF move similar to Wayne Wang switching from Smoke to cheesy romantic comedies, this comes from the directors/adapters of American Splendor. And a trailer that makes the great Laura Linney look like a low-rent Meryl Streep does not bode well. Early buzz is heavy with the suck.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Nice that this doesn’t have much competition, but I think it’d be smarter to go indie and do a limited release to create buzz. $40mil.

RESURRECTING THE CHAMP

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
A writer (Josh Hartnett) finds a homeless man (Sam Jackson) who claims to be a former championship boxer.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz on this is really, really good. Director Rod Lurie also directed The Contender. I just think that’s funny. Keep an eye out for his next flick, “loosely based” on the Valerie Plame affair.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Again, they shoulda gone limited release. $8mil.

SEPTEMBER DAWN

(Delayed from May, and then June)

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Fictionalized account of the Mountain Meadows massacre.

WILL IT SUCK?
From the director of Gone Fishin’ and The Next Karate Kid (and no, Young Guns does not make up for those). Those of you wondering what happened to Dean Cain, here you go. Early buzz is pretty awful.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
People are a little more curious about Mormons now than, say, before the Presidential campaigns started, but this will still do better on DVD. $4mil.

Limited

DEDICATION

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Words and Illustrations

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is generally good, giving actor Justin Theroux credit for a decent first-time job directing Billy Crudup and Mandy Moore as a children’s book writer and illustrator, respectively. Tom Wilkinson, Dianne Weist, Bob Balaban, Bobby Cannavale, Martin Freeman, Amy Sedaris, Christine Tayler and Peter Bogdonavich round out the cast.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Needs a much bigger push from the Weinsteins. $2mil.

THE HOTTEST STATE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Boy finds musician. Boy loses musician. Boy goes after musician.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is not so great. Didn’t get much love at Venice. And if the thought of Ethan Hawke adapting and directing his own novel (and getting a supporting role, too, natch) seems a bit much, just remember he was totally bad-ass on Alias that one time. Side note: I find it interesting that both Ethan Hawke and July Delpy have movies they wrote coming out this month.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Even fewer people know about this than Dedication. $500,000.

Next Week: Why couldn’t they have gotten Mike Myers to play Michael Myers?

We’re going to take a short break from the list to participate in the latest meme.

You can blame James for tagging me.

First, there are rules for memes. Here are this one’s:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.

Here we go…

1. I did not learn to swim until I was 13.

2. I have yet to learn how to drive a car (see James’ number three).

3. I learned how to ride a bike this February while on my honeymoon (thanks, Dr. Wife!).

4. I did 3rd and 4th grade in the same year, with a giant afro.

5. I’m in a book club. Right now we’re reading For Whom the Bell Tolls. High-larious!

6. When my hair gets really long, and I get in a pool, I get tiny dreadlocks.

7. I was afraid of dogs until I met my wife, who has two big, cuddly dogs.

8. My sister once convinced me to bite into a wax harmonica.

I now tag…

Frank

Ken

Josh

Jason

Alex

JR

M-D

Kevin

45. The Hunt for Red October - Battle Stations

“Be careful what you shoot at. Most things in here don’t react too well to bullets.”

Director John McTiernan’s 1990 fond look back at the Cold War culminates in the sub battle to end all sub battles. Screenwriter Larry Ferguson preserves the tension created by Tom Clancy’s conceit of having our beloved typhoon class attacked simultaneously from within and without.

Another unusual aspect to this sequence is the idea of having three heroes. Russian Captain Ramius (Sean Fucking Connery), American Captain Mancuso (Scott Glenn) and perennial Clancy protagonist Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin, never looking more like Daniel) all get their little moments to shine, though none come off better, obviously, than Ramius.

Here’s a small demonstration of Ramius’ bad-assery from the sequence. He’s so already moved on to the next thing in his mind while heading into a torpedo that he can take a moment to talk shit about a book Ryan wrote.

Another key element to making this chess match work is the coordination of cinematographer Jan de Bont (not the last time we’ll see him and McTiernan together on this list) and production designer Terence Marsh on giving each of the three subs (another distinction from your typical sub scene) a unique look so that audiences wouldn’t be confused as they cut from sub to sub.

Admittedly, the fx aren’t superb, but they get the point across. And I still get a chill every time that Russian COB says to a young Stellan Skarsgård, “You arrogant ass! You’ve killed us!”

By the way, that’s actual Navy sub the USS Houston doing that emergency surfacing “blow” in the film. Apparently, they did about 40 during filming.

See also: The rest of Hunt, Jack Sparrow vs. Davey Jones while the Black Pearl vs. the Flying Dutchman in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, pretty much all of Das Boot, Crimson Tide and U-571.

Next: A pants-free action sequence.