Click here for part one. Now it’s time for the officers…

Second Lieutenant

I’m trying not to use the same movie twice, but there aren’t a lot of these on film, so…

2nd Lt. Jack Geoghegan (Chris Klein) in We Were Soldiers.

First Lieutenant

Not all that much difference in rank from Second, apparently…

First Lieutenant John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) in Dances With Wolves.

Captain

Trivia: This is equivalent to a lieutenant in the Navy.

Captain Koons (Christopher Walken) in Pulp Fiction.

Major

At this point you go from being a junior officer to a senior officer.

Okay, wrong army, but the bad guy in Casablanca is a major. Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt) on the left.

Lieutenant Colonel

Now you’re just putting ranks together…

Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall) in Apocalypse Now.

Colonel

The one with the most bad-ass insignia. An eagle.

Colonel Robert Gould Shaw (Matthew Broderick) in Glory.

Brigadier General

Just as there are many sergeants, there are many generals. This is one star.

Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden) in Dr. Strangelove.

Major General

Two stars. You can see where this is going.

Major General William Devereaux (Bruce Willis) in The Siege.

Lieutenant General

If this one’s too real…

George C. Scott as Lieutenant General Patton in, um, Patton.

We can always pretend that Lando Calrissian who, in fact, achieved the rank of general…

Was a three star general.

General

When you reach four stars, just “general” will do, thank you.

General Thaddeus E. “Thunderbolt” Ross (William Hurt) in The Incredible Hulk. You wouldn’t like it when he gets angry, either.

General of the Army

Five stars. The highest possible rank in the army. Only exists during wartime. Exactly eight people have held the position, and only five since it was designated with five stars (in 1944). One of those men was…

Douglas MacArthur, played by Gregory Peck in MacArthur.

So, Dr. Horrible begins today. Read about it here. If you care about Joss Whedon, Nathan Fillion, N to the P to the H, or the future of entertainment, you’ll want to check this out. I’m almost as psyched for this as I am for The Dark Knight. Seriously.

Check out the trailer.

Check out Dr. Horrible.

Hellboy 2 did Gueillermo proud, raking in $35 million. The film itself was better than Hellboy, for my money, but probably not as supercalifragilistic as critics are letting on. He still needs to work on dialogue.

7/18

Wide

THE DARK KNIGHT

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Joker Begins

WILL IT SUCK?
Chris Nolan is one of the most solid writer/directors working today, and on this joint he’s joined by his brother, who wrote the short story for Memento and co-wrote The Prestige. Begins‘ David Goyer has story credit again. The cast has expanded to include what looks to be a glorious if tragic swan song performance by Ledger, backed by Aaron Eckhart, a Katie Holmes-replacing Maggie Gyllenhaal, Eric Roberts, Anthony Michael Hall, Nestor “Eyebrows” Carbonell, Michael “Spawn” Jai White, William Fichtner, Nicky Katt and last, but not least, Tommy “Tiny” Lister.

Early buzz is the best I’ve ever seen for a superhero film.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
This will own the rest of the summer. $256mil.

MAMMA MIA!

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Movie version of the ABBA-riffic musical.

WILL IT SUCK?
Very hard to say. Newbie (at least to feature film) writer and director. And who knows what Pierce Brosnan sounds like when he croons?

Early buzz is good.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Clearly Universal’s counting on a repeat of Streep’s Prada appeal, and given the success of Sex and the City, that’s a decent bet. $89mil.

SPACE CHIMPS

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
I suppose the only confusion the title might create is the impression that the chimps are from outer space as opposed to Earth chimps sent into space. So, to clarify, it’s the latter.

WILL IT SUCK?
From the writers of Racing Stripes and Happily N’Ever After so, my goodness, yes.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
You have to have a lot of faith in your kids film to open it against Batman. Or none at all. $20mil.

Next Week: X-Files, be gentle. You’ve hurt me before.

In packing, you discover things about yourself that you forgot. For example, I used to tape TV shows on VHS. In fact, I used to say, “Why do I need TiVo? I can just tape things on VHS.”

The last thing I recorded, as I discovered rummaging through old tapes, is an episode of Veronica Mars.

What’s the last thing you taped on VHS?

A while ago I did a piece for filmcritic about the ten best tracking shots in film history that generated a lot of e-mail. Some of that mail had to do with famous tracking shots in music videos. To be more precise, videos composed entirely of one shot (or made to look that way). Here are some of my favorites…

“Survivalism” – NIN

De Palma kind of uses this surveillance camera shtick at the beginning of Snake Eyes to achieve exposition (and Guy Ritchie pulls a similar move at the beginning of Snatch), but here directors Alex Lieu, Rob Sheridan, and Trent Reznor make it the entirety of the video.

Nifty story behind how this ended up on the Web (or anywhere, for that matter – it’s not like he premiered it on MTV). At a NIN concert in London, pen USB drives containing the video were discovered by fans in various locations at the venue. Very ARG.

“The Sweetest Thing” – U2

Technically, this starts with a reverse angle of whom Bono is singing to, but most of the video is one shot of the singer singing the song in a carriage as random “sweet” shit happens behind him. The song was originally written as an apology from Bono to his wife for forgetting her birthday, so the video actually matches the sentiment pretty closely. This is the second one-shot video Kevin Godley directed for the band.

“Numb” – U2

This would be the first single-shot video directed by Kevin Godley for the band. Can you tell that I like U2? I don’t know if I’ve been coy enough about it over the years. I try to be an enigma.

“All My Friends” – LCD Soundsystem

Friend of the blog (and of mine) Justin directed me to this one. Starts out kind of slow, but trust me, it’s going somewhere.

“Lucas With the Lid Off” – Lucas

Back before anyone knew who he was, Michel Gondry directed this little treat, which, like most Gondry efforts, is insanely clever.

“Cellphone’s Dead” – Beck

Another Gondry entry. This one kind of cheats, but it’s still cool.

“Let Forever Be” – The Chemical Brothers

Again with the Gondry. This time he creates something that defies categorization. It’s not really a tracking shot, but at no point can you distinguish anything that counts as a traditional “cut.” May be my favorite video on this list.

I’ve never been able to keep ranks straight. Like most things, the best way for me to understand them is through movies. So here, for the first time, presented without commercial interruption, a list of military ranks from the bottom up as portrayed by their counterparts on film. We’ll start with enlisted ranks in the U.S. Army.

Private E-1 (Recruit)

You start out here without an insignia and get one automatically after six months in service assuming no shenanigans. Probably the most famous one of these gets her own film named after her.

Private Judy Benjamin (on left) in Private Benjamin.

Private E-2

Congrats! You’ve got an insignia.

We can assume that Private Joker eventually got an insignia. Full Metal Jacket.

Private First Class (PFC)

12 months in service and four months as a private gets you here.

That’s Spike Jonze on the far right there as Private First Class Conrad Vig, the fourth king in Three Kings.

Specialist (SPC)

If you already have a four-year degree, you start out here. A medic, for example, is a kind of specialist (they have their own corps, actually).

Technician 4th Class Irwin Wade (back then they called specialists “technicians”) from Saving Private Ryan. Actually you can see what everyone’s rank in that movie was here.

Corporal

You’ve achieved the level of NCO (non-commissioned officer), but are paid the same as a specialist.

Everybody forgets that John Krasinski was in Jarhead. Now you will always know he was Corporal Harrigan.

Sergeant

There are many sergeants. Here is where you start.

Sergeant from Toy Story. That was his name. And possibly his rank.

Staff Sergeant

Next step up. Can be in charge of a platoon. Which brings us to…

Staff Sergeant Bob Barnes from Platoon. Not a nice man. But he can totally pull off that do-rag, right?

Sergeant First Class

The lowest ranked senior NCO. Neat, huh?

Okay, so a real film purist would have used the picture of Sergeant First Class Raymond Shaw from the original Manchurian Candidate, but in that one, they can’t seem to decide if he’s a staff sergeant or a sergeant first class, so… It’s not like this one totally sucked or anything.

Master Sergeant

The other MSG.

If anyone ever asks you what kind of sergeant Sergeant Bilko was in that movie, you can say “They made a Sergeant Bilko movie?” (He was a master sergeant on TV, too.)

First Sergeant

AKA “Top Kick” or “Top Hat.”

First Sergeant Donnelly is famous for having a thick Boston accent and getting wicked fucked up by Scorponok in Transformers.

Sergeant Major

“What does three up and three down mean to you, airman?”

That’s J.T. Walsh as Sergeant Major Dickerson giving Robin Williams the stink eye in Good Morning Vietnam.

Command Sergeant Major

You can only go one step higher in the enlisted ranks.

That’s Sam Elliot on the right there as real-life Command Sergeant Major Basil Plumley in We Were Soldiers.

Sergeant Major of the Army

As much of a spokesperson on behalf of the enlisted as anything else. The top enlisted adviser to the Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army.

I couldn’t actually find a movie where the SMA is actually portrayed, so we’re going to assume that Sergeant Pepper was, in fact, the Sergeant Major of the Army.

Here’s a trivia question: What are the four other Will Smith flicks to open at number one over July 4th? Finally saw Wall-E, btw. Pixar simply refuses to suck. Their movies are like a meal in a five-star restaurant that somehow costs the same as McDonald’s.

7/11

Wide

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Del Toro’s back. And this time he’s got an Oscar nod.

WILL IT SUCK?
Hellboy creator Mike Mignola is actually sharing story credit this time with the now Oscar-nominated (and were it a Best Foreign Film loss to any other movie than Lives of Others I would have said “robbed”) writer/director Guillermo Del Toro. Also, this is no longer in the hands of the thankfully defunct Revolution Studios. That alone might make all the difference.

I wasn’t a huge fan of the original, but I’m very curious to see what a Pan’s Labrynth-empowered Del Toro brings to the table.

Early buzz is suitably fantastic.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
You do not want to be between Hancock and Dark Knight. But I suppose it’s better than opening against them. $74mil.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Live action 3-D version of the Jules Verne classic. The first feature-length live action digital 3-D flick, btw.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. From the director of some Xena eps.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Probably the one film likely to do worse than Hellboy II but better than Meet Dave. $31mil.

MEET DAVE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
As explained more clearly by the flick’s original title Starship Dave, spaceship takes on the form of a human and walks around New York City being funny.

WILL IT SUCK?
From the director of Good Burger and Norbit. Trailer looks like it’s gonna hurt. A lot.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Even Space Chimps is gonna give this a run for its money. $15mil.

Limited

GARDEN PARTY

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
A bunch of yoots try to make their way in big, sleazy L.A.

WILL IT SUCK?
In spite of a trailer that makes it look like a mid-season replacement on Fox, early buzz is good.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Tricky because the presumptive target audience doesn’t go to art house flicks. $1mil.

AUGUST

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
It was only a matter of time before we had a personal drama set against the backdrop of the Dot Com Bust.

WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz has this about as dull as writer Howard A. Rodman’s Joe Gould’s Secret. But, hey, Jason Calcanis as himself!

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Indie Josh Hartnett is a difficult draw with even good reviews. $3mil.

Next Week: Judging by early reviews, what might be the first comic book movie to get serious Oscar consideration.

So, watching the “Atomic Shakespeare” episode of Moonlighting, I was reminded of how misogynistic the original Taming of the Shrew was. Which, of course, reminded me of antisemitism in The Merchant of Venice. What a lot of people don’t know is that racist, un-PC undertones existed in a lot of Shakespeare’s work, but were eventually weeded out by the time the plays hit the stage. So, for the first time, I present to you the original titles of some of the Bard’s greatest works.

Hamlet, the Dirty Fucking Dane

Much Ado About the Holocaust Never Happened

A Midsummer Night’s Klan Rally

Iago Plays a Hilarious Trick on Some Black Dude

Macbeth, the Dirty Fucking Scot

Alls Well That Ends With an Amendment Banning Gay Marriage

Romeo and Some Chick He Nailed and Totally Never Called Again