Last year, I predicted that the Patriots would win, and then be ingested by the Giants.  While that didn’t happen per se, the Giants did win, and isn’t cannibalism a form of winning, and a very satisfying one at that?

As in years past, we will now try to determine who will win the Super Bowl based on how the teams’ namesakes would perform.  Here we have cardinals versus what I can only imagine are steelworkers.  This is very similar to the avian/blue collar conflict of 2006, which pitted much larger birds against these working class heroes, and one might be tempted to simply reprint that entry.

But maybe I’m being too narrow-minded.  Might the Arizona Cardinals, in fact, be named after bishops in the Catholic Church?  When you think about it, there’s no “might” about it.  Clearly we’re meant to picture ecclesiastical officials hurtling down the field plowing through their unholy opponents as their mud-doused robes flow behind them.  I mean, that makes a lot more sense than naming your team after really tiny birds, right?

So let us consider THAT contest.  And consider it well.

ABILITY TO ELECT A POPE

Clearly, the most important aspect of football is the opposing team’s ability to choose a pontiff.  That’s worth, like, 14 points at least.  It doesn’t happen very often, but it’s still more common than the home run throwback.

ADVANTAGE: CARDINALS

ABILITY TO FORM A UNION

Unlike steelworkers, the clergy has yet to properly unionize.  Then again, if they ever went on strike, it would basically be against God, so I can kind of see how they wouldn’t want to go there.

ADVANTAGE: STEELERS

GAY DANCE PARTIES

If the “Homer’s Phobia” episode of The Simpsons taught us nothing else, it’s that Gay Steel Mills are not only accepted, they’re fun!  I have yet to see a robust Gay Archdiocese where everyone suddenly bursts out into a rendition of “Everybody Dance Now” (or any lesser C+C Music Factory hit, like “Freedom”).  I’m not saying it doesn’t happen.  I just haven’t seen it.

ADVANTAGE: STEELERS

STOPPING POWER, RE: T-1000

It’s common knowledge that if you want to defeat an unstoppable killing machine from the future that happens to be made from liquid metal, you take him to a steel mill (doesn’t have to be gay).  Taking that same unstoppable killing machine to a cathedral simply won’t do the trick.  However, if you are a costumed hero battling your archnemesis, it’s kind of hard to top the final conflict in a dilapidated Gothic church.  But this is the Super Bowl.  You’re much more likely to face down a liquid metal assassin.  Everybody knows that.

ADVANTAGE: STEELERS

STOPPING POWER, RE: VAMPIRES

Here the Catholic church has the edge.  I mean you’ve got your holy water, your crosses, lots of candles – there’s your fire, big windows to let in sunlight, some stuff made out of wood, hell, they might even have some garlic lying around, you never know.  Now, in some vampire myths steel is actually a deterrent.  But those myths are stupid.  Of course, nobody knows if you’re more likely to run into a vampire or a terminator at the Super Bowl.  Ideally you’d want the skill set to stop either.  But if it is vampires, you want a cardinal on your side.

ADVANTAGE: CARDINALS

STOPPING POWER, RE: ZOMBIES

Who’s going to run into a zombie at the Super Bowl?  What’s wrong with you?

STEWARDSHIP OF YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL

You’d think the answer was clear, but you might be surprised to learn there’s an obscure passage that declares that when Peter was chosen to be the first Pope, a small band of steel artisans was chosen to be his among his first servants.  You’d be surprised because I totally made that up just now.  Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

ADVANTAGE: CARDINALS

PASSING, RUNNING, KICKING, ALL THAT FOOTBALL CRAP

Look, steelworkers are more fit, generally speaking, than cardinals.  They have to be able to MAKE AND LIFT STEEL!!  The job of cardinal, while no less important, is simply not as physically demanding.  Now, if the Cardinals, as holy men, have the power to call lightning down upon the Steelers, that would counterbalance the Steelers’ physical advantage (especially given how steel attracts lightning, they become pretty easy marks).  But technically, the use of lightning is against the rules.  So it depends who refs the game.

ADVANTAGE: EVEN

It would appear that the teams are evenly matched.  But if we consider the Catholic Guilt Factor, it seems clear that the Steelers will be shamed into losing.