Dave’s Annual Uninformed Super Bowl Prediction – 2010

As usual, I have no idea who’s in the Super Bowl or when it’s being held.  Scratch that.  That’s all I know about the Super Bowl.  And, as usual, armed with only that information, and a vague sense of what would happen if each team’s namesake were to do battle, I will predict the winner of this year’s Super Bowl with approximately 50% chance of error.

Behold.

KICKING

As I pointed out when the Bears took on the Colts in 2007, colts, while failing miserably at having arms and thus, passing, are fantastic kickers.  And who won that game?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Bears. Can’t. Kick.  Saints, on the other hand, are perfectly adequate kickers.  But they’re no colts.

ADVANTAGE: COLTS

PATRONAGE

See this guy?  He’s the Patron Saint of brewers.  He got you drunk that one time.

Just about everything has a patron saint, from Lost Causes to Rope Braiders (Seriously.  It’s Paul, by the way.  Paul the Apostle is also the Patron Saint of Rope Braiders and Rope Makers.  You cannot make this shit up.)  There are even different patron saints for horses, sick horses, and work horses.

There is no Patron Colt of fuck all.

ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

BARRIERS TO ENTRY

The canonization process can take decades if not centuries to occur.  You can’t even start until five years after the candidate dies.  There’s a panel and investigations and oh (unless you martyr yourself), at some point you have to perform two miracles.  Did I mention you have to perform them after you die?

To become a colt your parents have to fuck.

ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

THE RUNNING GAME

Colts can generally run faster than saints, however, there is a patron saint of saddlemakers, so you can see how that could even the playing field.

ADVANTAGE: EVEN

MALT LIQUOR ENDORSEMENTS

According to unbelievably creepy claims by Billy Dee Williams, Colt 45 “works every time.”  No such claim has been made about St. Ives.

ADVANTAGE: COLTS

GOOGLEABILITY

There are over 17 million results for “colts” in Google.  There are over 64 million for “saints.”

ADVANTAGE: THIS COULD NOT POSSIBLY HELP EITHER TEAM

TWITTERABILITY

Stop making up words.

PIETY

The answer might seem obvious, but horses don’t have to deal with Original Sin to begin with.  Just saying.

ADVANTAGE: EVEN

Last year, when the Cardinals and Steelers appeared to be evenly matched, I predicted that Catholic guilt would shame the Steelers into a loss.  Clearly that logic, although flawless, had a flaw, so this year I’m predicting that the lesser-known “horse guilt” will give the Colts another win.