Dave’s Annual Uninformed Superbowl Prediction

Well, last year I predicted a tie, but that didn’t happen. Right? Honestly, I don’t remember much about last year’s Superbowl. I don’t think there were even any good commercials. Really, they should just keep replaying that one where that MacBook Air comes out of that envelope. Out of an envelope! You could just type a memo on your MacBook, put the MacBook an interoffice envelope, and mail that shit around the office. People could write stuff responding to the memo on the MacBook and put it back in the envelope. That’s totally how I would use that almost-$2,000 computer.

Anyway, it’s time to determine the winner of this year’s Superbowl by figuring out who would win in a fight between the teams’ namesakes, in this case, what would happen if a bunch of giants battled a bunch of patriots?

THE PASSING GAME…AND KICKING AND RUNNING

Let’s face it. Giants are fucking huge. If they just drop the ball it’ll travel further forward than a pass by a patriot. Same goes for running, kicking and just about any method of moving the ball from one point to another. I mean did you see Cloverfield? That thing could pretty much get down a city block in one stride, and that was with some seriously fucked up elbows. Can you just imagine if you gave that thing a football? And it didn’t, you know, try to eat it?

Patriots can throw, run and kick as well as any normal-sized human. But that just isn’t good enough, now is it?

ADVANTAGE: GIANTS

PATRIOTISM

Giants may be all big and shit, but do they care about America? Where do they come from, anyway? Are they even legal? We should build a wall between us and Giantville, except that they would probably walk right over it. To them it would be like a slight, brief elevation in the ground. Yeah, we should probably nip that project in bud right now. I don’t what I was thinking.

Patriots, on the other hand, have unquestionable patriotism. It’s right there in the name. They have their own Act! You don’t get a name like Patriots by resisting warrantless wiretapping, not like some unusuallly large people I might mention who for some reason want to keep their gigantic e-mails private. Commies.

ADVANTAGE: USA! USA! USA! (and by that I mean PATRIOTS)

PERFECTION

As we all know, the real life Patriots have a perfect record this season, but you know what? So do the patriots who love this country. They have never failed to act in a way that they believed would make this a better place to live. Whether it was fighting for or against slavery, women’s rights, communism, prohibition, other countries, immigrants, road rage, erectile dysfunction, hillbillies, vampires or the original tenants, patriots always did what they called the patriotic thing.

Giants have been defeated by farmboys gullible enough to buy “magic” beans.

ADVANTAGE: PATRIOTS

STAR POWER

As Vince Lombardi once said, “The number of movies named after you is a critical factor in winning championships.”* Sadly, the Patriots really only have The Patriot to work with here. The Giants, on the other hand, have Giant, My Giant, Iron Giant, James and the Giant Peach, Attack of the Giant Leeches and, of course, Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla (actual alternate title).

The most relevant film, though, to this debate is 1994′s Little Giants, in which Ed O’Neil and Rick Moranis face off via their respective pee wee football teams. I only bring it up to point out that it looks just awful. Like, worse than Dutch.

ADVANTAGE: GIANTS

*=citation needed.

WRITING ABILITY

In these troubled times, the ability to write for oneself has never been more vital. Patriots have a rich history of fluent prose: “We the people, in order to form a more perfect union…” and such. (Yes, I know you can’t have a MORE PERFECT union, Grammar T. Nerdsworth! Thanks for pointing it out!). All a giant ever wrote was “fee fi fo fum.” What the fuck is that?

ADVANTAGE: PATRIOTS

ENDORSEMENTS

I’ll grant you, the Jolly Green Giant is an icon, but patriotism (and, by extension, patriots) has been used to sell just about every product ever made. Especially flags.

ADVANTAGE: PATRIOTS

So, it seems that in spite of diminutive size, patriots could conceivably win in a fight against giants. Especially if you factor in things that have absolutely nothing to do with fighting or playing football.

MY PREDICTION: PATRIOTS WILL WIN THE GAME, BEFORE BEING EATEN WHOLE BY THE GIANTS, WHO WILL STILL BE HUNGRY BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, HUMANS ARE LIKE CHEETOS COMPARED TO WHAT A GIANT WOULD NEED TO EAT TO BE FULL, WHICH WOULD PROBABLY BE LIKE A COUPLE OF WHALES, AT LEAST, WHICH WOULD PROBABLY BE VERY FATTY AND NOT GOOD FOR THE GIANTS’ CHOLESTEROL.