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See this man? Do not fuck with him.

I’ve been watching Once Upon a Time in China. I’m not quite through it yet, but the moral is already clear. It is the same moral you find in any Jet Li film. And that moral is…

Do Not Fuck with Jet Li.

It’s very simple. If you fuck with Jet Li, your shit will get fucked up. Period.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Romeo Must Die (2000)

The bad guys kill Jet Li’s brother. Now why’d you have to go and do that? You know he’s just gonna break out of a maximum security Chinese prison, come to America, track your ass down, ruin your stadium scheme that was stolen from the fifth season premiere of 21 Jump Street, and crush your spine x-ray-vision style. You should know better.

Kiss of the Dragon (2001)

Now Jet Li was just trying to work with your corrupt French police lieutenant ass when you decided to betray him using a skankified Bridget Fonda who was presumably in this Luc Besson production to make up for bastardizing La Femme Nikita in Point of No Return. And then you go kill his mentor/master/handler/whatever-the-fuck-he-was old guy and you try to get Bridget back on the smack and threaten her daughter. You are crying out for a beat-down of epic proportions. And you think your twin kick-boxing goons will protect you? Dude, Jet Li just KICKED AN ENTIRE KARATE CLASS’S ASS IN FIVE MINUTES!!! You may have been hot shit in Bad Boys, but the Jet is gonna make you bleed out of every pore in your body using some fucked up accupuncture.

Fist of Legend (1994)

All right. I’m not sure exactly what you did to piss off Jet Li in this one because the plot is kind of convoluted, but whatever it is, it inspired him to his greatest ass-kicking endeavor in history. Even your Breaking Back With Knee Stance ain’t gonna save you this time. Jet Li will beat that shit using a belt. Clothing, holmes! How stupid do you feel? What’s that? You can’t hear me with Jet Li beating your ass so hard?

Unleashed (2005)

You think you can use Jet Li as your attack dog and get away with it? Don’t you know that eventually he’s gonna remember the shit you pulled back in the day? Backstories never stay hidden, mu’fucka! And all the corny humanizing in the world from Morgan Freeman and that chick with the braces won’t stop him from breakin’ you down when the time comes. Again you think a kickboxer can protect you! Jet’s just gonna get him cornered in a tight space where his long reach will be rendered useless. He did the same thing to those French kickboxers four movies ago! Y’all just refuse to recognize is all.

The One (2001)

Jet Li, what makes you think you can kick Jet Li’s ass? You know how you are.

Lethal Weapon 4 (1998)

Look, I get that you’re superstars. Especially you, Mel. I also get that Jet Li is the bad guy in this one. But that doesn’t mean you can interfere with his counterfeiting scam and kill his brother and expect anything but your ass handed to you on a platter. The only reason y’all beat him was because your names were above the title. I mean, seriously, he had a fucking piece of rebar through his torso and he was still kicking your ass!

And so on…

As I write this, Jet is shooting a film with legendary Hong Kong director Ronny Yu. Though I know very little about it, I predict someone will fuck with Jet Li and he will, in turn, fuck their shit up. I can’t wait.