I Know the Simpsons Killed Me
I hate to admit it, but I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry may have beat out the second frame of Harry Potter. On the other hand, I kind of predicted that, but it’s still not a good feeling.
7/27
Wide
(Delayed from March.)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Kind of like Underworld without the vampires. Or 1/12 the budget.
WILL IT SUCK?
From the director of Jason X. Wait. Where are you going?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
About as well as Blood and Chocolate. $4mil.
UPDATE: They’ve moved the release date again. Now you can look forward to missing it Aug. 10th.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
How could that possibly matter?
WILL IT SUCK?
Probably not. Simpsons is like pizza. It’s always good. And they’ve pulled out all the stops. The director has been with them from the very beginning (literally, he directed Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire) and the massive screenwriting team reads like a who’s who of classic Simpsons writers. And the trailers have been increasingly hilarious.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Good, but not great. $129mil.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Lindsay Lohan survives an attack with no memory of her ordeal. But is it really her? Or her twin!? Dun-dun-dun!!!
WILL IT SUCK?
Let’s go over the things I know…
…what you did last summer.
…why the caged bird sings.
…that my first name is Steven.
…and, now, who killed me. Boy, I’m smart. As far as this goes, however, the only exciting thing is that Lonelygirl15 is making her big screen debut.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Just My Luck couldn’t pack ‘em in. And that was before rehab. $18mil.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Icy cook Catherine Zeta-Jones gets all humanized when she gets guardianship of Little Miss Sunshine.
WILL IT SUCK?
A remake of Mostly Martha which, by most accounts, will be hard to top. Directed by Scott Hicks, from whom we haven’t really heard since Shine. Early buzz isn’t great.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I think audiences may have cooled on Zeta-Jones. $35mil.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Black Men Can’t Golf
WILL IT SUCK?
I think this sums it up nicely.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Remember Soul Plane? $14mil.
Limited
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
An Inconvenient March of the Polar Bears…and Walruses
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good but warns of “treacly” narration which is not surprising since this is the first doc trailer I’ve ever seen with fart jokes.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s not gonna do Penguins or even Truth numbers, but it’ll play. $2mil.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Coming of age story about a boy who becomes a skinhead in Thatcher’s England.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz has this as writer/director Shane Meadows (Dead Man’s Shoes, Once Upon a Time in the Midlands) best film yet. Won the Best Independent British Film at the British Independent Film Awards.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Even with a name (Paddy Considine), Meadows’ last film (Dead Man’s Shoes) had trouble getting traction. $500,000.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Famous French playwright plays Cyrano for rich benefactor trying to woo a young lady.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Trailer has “wacky guy” narration, but I’m hoping the film is better than that. In case you were wondering, none of this ever happened, but the film takes place in the period of the playwright’s life that no one knows about so, maybe it did.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The Ten has indie comedy with recognizable stars the following week. $500,000.
Next Week: The last potentially great sequel of the summer.