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Each year, I venture a guess as to the winner of the Superbowl based solely upon who would win in a fight between the team names. Last year, I tried not to let my bias of living in Philadelphia show while predicting they would win anyway. I was wrong. But I direct your attention back to the “uninformed” part of the opinion. This year, I’m trying not to let the fact that I’m actually a Seahawks fan in any way skew my scientifically determined results in predicting the winner. Now, look at this:

No reason. Just like that picture.

I should probably explain how a guy who almost never watches professional sports (except for the Oscar race) has a favorite team. Well, back in the day, I decided it would be more fun to pick a favorite team, virtually at random, to root for while hanging out with friends who actually had favorite teams. I went with the Seahawks since, honest to God, so many bands I like come from Seattle (Hendrix and the whole grunge movement, basically).

Now that I’ve made my bias entirely clear, let’s forget about it completely.

AIR POWER

As with the Eagles last year, the strength of the Seahawks lies in their ability to take flight and rain down shrieking vengeance and overpriced coffee from above. Where the Patriots had muskets to fend off this attack, the Steelers have, well, steel. Now, they could use that steel to build an airplane, and take back the air advantage, but that would take too long. It took MacGyver, like, a week to build an airplane from scratch, and he was MacGyver. Do you remember that episode? Wasn’t that awesome? Well, until it degenerated into a Last Crusade rip-off. What was I talking about again? ADVANTAGE: SEAHAWKS

ABILITY TO ORGANIZE A LABOR UNION

The United Steelworkers of America, it must be said, have been much more effective at organizing a labor union than The Predatory Birds of the Northwest Local 141. I mean, they don’t have a website. ADVANTAGE: STEELERS

STAR POWER

Here, the Steelers really have the Seahawks beat. They have Jennifer Beals, who actually played a steelworker in the 1983 classic Flashdance. She was a maniac on the floor, by the way. No major hollywood performer has ever, to my knowledge, played a seahawk. There was Manimal, but I think he just changed into a regular hawk. ADVANTAGE: STEELERS

GIGANTISM

Since this is Superbowl XL, we have to consider the possibility that the teams’ namesakes would suddenly grow to enormous size for some reason. I think the best precedent we have for this would be when Godzilla briefly fought Rodan in Gidrah, the Three Headed Monster. Sadly, their battle was cut short when Mothra tried to recruit them to do battle with the eponymous beast, so we may never know who would have won. So we have to look further back into history…

From this ancient photo we can clearly see that giant, hairy ape-men used to do battle with equally oversized birds of prey. And, as might be expected, they fought over women. Tiny, tiny women. I can’t tell who’s winning this fight, but the fact that the ape-man can hold the woman in one hand and the bird in the other shows coordination far beyond the bird’s strategy of vigorously flapping its wings. Now, imagine if the ape-man had a piece of rebar in its other hand instead of some diminutive chick. See what I’m saying? ADVANTAGE: STEELERS

HALF-TIME SHOW

Everyone knows the best part of any Superbowl is the half-time show. So we have to ask ourselves, selves, which team name would give the best half-time show? Well, I think a bunch of hawks flying around snatching people out of the audience and devouring them as the rest of the crowd looked on in horror would be way cooler than watching a bunch of guys make steel for thirty minutes. ADVANTAGE: SEAHAWKS

So it doesn’t look good for my beloved Seahawks. All I can do is hope that they change their name at the last minute to the Boba Fetts. That guy’s unstoppable.