The Apocalypto Blogs

So I finally manned up and went to see Apocalypto. Really not as bad as I expected, gore-wise. I could’ve done without the scrotum-ingestion or the face-eating (when that jaguar attacks, he just says, “You know what? I’m going for the face. I don’t give a fuck. I’m just gonna go for it and not let go, because I have to follow my bliss. And it’s on your face.”), but otherwise a fun, informative romp.

For those of you still curious about the film, but unwilling to sit through the Big Book of Face Piercings, I’ve diluted it into blog form, from the postings of the main character, Jaguar Paw

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Testicularious!

Got that dumbass Blunted to eat tapir balls. Better than the time we convinced him having sex was like sticking it in a hornet’s nest.

Weird Guy

Met some refugees in the jungle, including this weird emaciated guy. I was totally gonna blowdart his ass, but my dad stopped me. When will I finally get to blowdart a motherfucker?

Back Home

Totally got Blunted to rub itchy stuff on his genitals right before he had sex. We are such dicks.

Around the Campfire

Some old guy told a story about how greedy man is. I’m sure that has no significance whatsoever.

F’d Up Dream

That weird guy came back to me in a dream telling me to run. Sure enough, when I woke up, some bad-ass warriors invaded my village. Note to self, next time your dream tells you to run, wake up and get the fuck out of Dodge.

At Least They Let Me Keep My Laptop

First, I had to hide my pregnant wife and son in a hole. Then, they totally killed my dad right in front of me. It was like that scene in Braveheart (first in my tribe to get Netflix, boo-ya!) where they slit that chick’s throat, except is was my dad. Then they tied us all to sticks and dragged us out of our now burning village. Worst. Monday. Ever. (Yeah. I know I should keep it real and use the my own culture’s fancy-ass calendar, but it’s just so fucking complicated.)

I Can Totally See the Charred Remains of My House From Here

So they take us up to the top of this pyramid where it looks like they’re going to cut our hearts out and decapitate us. Not cool. Side note, my friend thinks aliens helped build this thing, but I think he’s been smoking that stuff we put on Blunted’s balls.

Total Eclipse of the Ritual Beheading

I was just about to get the ol’ heart-and-head-ectomy when there was a solar eclipse! Or is it lunar? Which one is it when the moon blocks the sun? I can never remember. Anyhoo, long story short, they decided to kill us another way but I escaped and now I’m on the run. I keep thinking I should drop my laptop to make better time, but I just know the second I do Boing Boing’s gonna link to my shit.

Face-tastic!

Dude, this jaguar I was running from just totally ate this guy’s face, LOL! I’m gonna put the photos up on Flickr. The tag will be getthisfuckingjaguaroffmyface!

Finally!

I got to blowdart a motherfucker. w00t!

There Goes the 3,000-Year-Old Culture

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Been busy setting booby traps and pulling my family out of a hole (I am so gonna catch hell for leaving them down there this long). We’ve decided to relocate further in the jungle. It’s just too violent on the coast. And those new folks who just showed up with their fancy clothes, metal hats and sea-faring vessels are just gonna drive up the property value til it’s too expensive to live here, anyway. And you just know they’re going to open another fucking Starbucks. Jaguar Paw out!