There Will Be Late Postings
So, I meant to post this on Monday but, you know, holidays and such. Anyhoo, it makes the “will it suck?” part easier to predict. In the interest of brevity, here are some one-word reviews of the movies I saw over the break:
I’m Not There - Brilliant
Charlie Wilson’s War - Perfect
Juno - Funny
Sweeney Todd - Bloody
12/25
Wide
THE WATER HORSE: LEGEND OF THE DEEP
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Free Nessie
WILL IT SUCK?
The director may have done My Dog Skip and the writer may have done Chocolat, but the trailer looks like straight-up cheese. It doesn’t help that the monster looks like the one that Mr. Burns found.
That having been said, looks like the reviews are generally positive.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Nicely distanced from Golden Compass, and not much else to take your kids to on Christmas Day. $55mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Based on a novel by the same guy who wrote Babe, but no.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over my weeping.
WILL IT SUCK?
Writing about this makes my fingers sad. They got the writer of that Shaft remake to do the screenplay. Now, if a predator and an alien teamed up to solve a crime, I would totally see that movie. Especially if they were both played by Samuel L. Jackson. “Yes, those colonial marines deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”
What few reviews there are indicate elevated degrees of suckage.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Sadly, this is on people’s radar and there’s very little genre competition. $40mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Sadly, this is Shareeka Epps’ follow-up to Half Nelson.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Remember the Debate Team
WILL IT SUCK?
The second directorial effort of Denzel Washington. He stars again, this time alongside Forest Whitaker. And, yes, I’m happy that you can have two Oscar-winning black actors in the same movie without having to search high and low for options. There’s totally, like, four now.
Denzel did a decent job with Antwone Fisher, but it remains to be seen if the screenwriter behind both the Darkman and The Birds sequels can adapt the true story of the Wiley College debate team.
Judging by the reviews, he really, really can.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Denzel rocks this historical shit. $77mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Most of Denzel’s heat will probably be on American Gangster, if it even gets a nod (yes, I’m starting to hedge that bet). It should be noted, however, that both got Best Pic Globe nods.
Limited
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Title refers to a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket. Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are two old fogies who try to do them.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz has this as tolerably sappy. I’ve lost faith in director Rob Reiner so many times now that it’s hard for me to take this seriously. With more precincts reporting, this has gone from tolerably sappy to just “meh.”
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Probably the strongest leads of any indie this week. $20mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
The Academy seems incapable of not giving Jack a nod, but they did it with The Departed, and I can tell you right now this will get worse reviews.
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Animated biopic about a young girl’s coming of age in Iran.
WILL IT SUCK?
The kind of movie that critics praise with terms like “ever made.” That, plus a Grand Jury Prize at Cannes lessens the suck risk significantly.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Best case scenario is a Triplets of Belleville-style reception. $5mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
The film for Ratatouille to beat for Best Animated (though France is submitting it for Best Foreign, as well).
THERE WILL BE BLOOD (12/26)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
An oil prospector (Daniel Day Lewis) comes to turn-of-the-century Texas to strike it rich and chew scenery.
WILL IT SUCK?
Critics and audiences are impressed (and, in some cases, perplexed) by Paul Thomas Anderson’s first flick in five years. IMDB users hail it as his best.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
A lot of competition, but anybody paying attention to the indie field is going to put this at the top of their list. $22mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Look for just about every category.
THE ORPHANAGE (12/28)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Horror film set in an abandoned orphanage.
WILL IT SUCK?
Seems to be securing a place of prestige in the modern wave of Spanish-language horror, with favorable comparisons to one of the co-producer’s films, something called Pan’s Labyrinth.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Sadly, a lot more people will probably go see the English-language remake of One Missed Call the following week. At least it’s already a hit in Spain. $1miil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
It’s not THAT favorably compared to Pan’s Labyrinth.
Next Week: Ring in the new year with a J-Horror remake about cell phones that will probably suck as bad as that pun.