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Last year, the uninformed opinion proved right, and my beloved Seahawks (I can still name at least one of their players, I think) went down like birds of prey suddenly pummeled by angry steelworkers assisted by sketchy referees.

This year, we see what mighty forces converge when the Chicago Bears take on the Indianapolis Colts. Once again, I have a bit of a bias to confess. Inidanapolis stole the Colts from my hometown (before we, you know, stole a team for ourselves).

That being said, I’m going to try to dispassionately predict who will win based on who would win in a fight between actual bears and actual colts.

THE PASSING GAME

Bears have massive, powerful arms. If they could actually grip a football without utterly crushing it or deflating it with their razor-sharp flesh-shredding claws, they could throw it, like, at least a few yards. They can’t catch for shit, but neither can horses, so it’s a wash. This is why I predict the Bears will focus on their passing game.

Colts have no arms. They can, however, kick like motherfuckers. ADVANTAGE: BEARS

THE RUNNING GAME

Colts are powerful steeds and other really manly words for horses and so can run very, very fast. Much faster than bears, who have short stubby legs and must use their arms to run on all fours which, as you know, is completely illegal in football, unless you’re a horse. If you’ve never seen a bear try to run “human-style,” it’s just hilarious, really. This is why I predict the Colts will focus on their running game.

Bears, however, can climb like motherfuckers. ADVANTAGE: COLTS

ANIMAL TO ANIMAL

If a bear and a colt ever came face-to-face, the colt would be hellascrewed (it’s a football term). The bear would slash and tear and generally “fuck up” the horse. Good thing for the horse this would never, ever happen. The colt could run much faster than the bear, who would never catch it. But you can’t win a game by running away from it. Nor can you win it by mauling horses. So I’m not sure what this has to do with anything. Why did you bring it up? ADVANTAGE: EVEN

STAR POWER

Over the years, many films have been made about bears, including The Bear, Brother Bear, The Bad News Bears (about a team of bear/journalists) and Hey, That’s My Bear! The fact that Hey, That’s My Bear! is not a real film in no way diminishes the importance of bears on film. Horses on film, however, have an even richer tradition, with Black Beauty, The Black Stallion and Blackula (The Horse, Not the African-American Vampire) as but a few examples. In none of these films, though, has a horse ever really kicked any kind of ass (aside from the odd trampling, but really, who cares?) whereas it’s almost impossible to put a bear in a movie and have him or her not maul or threaten to maul, even to comic effect (see: The Great Outdoors or that crappy film with Seth Green - actually, The Great Outdoors sucked, too; don’t see either). ADVANTAGE: BEARS

GAMBLING ADDICTIVITY (IT’S A WORD)

If horseracing is the sport of kings, then bearracing (if it were legal, or remotely feasible) would be the sport of slightly paunchier kings. Unfortunately for bears, horses (and to a lesser extent dogs, and in three states, babies) have cornered the market on racing for sport (and by sport, I mean gambling). If bears did race, we would gladly spend a fortune betting on our favorites, with colorful names like Mauly McGee, The Thresher King and Not The Face! But they don’t. ADVANTAGE: COLTS (unless they finally legalize the Ultimate Bear Fighting Championship).

SEX APPEAL

To my knowledge, no one has ever spread rumors about Catherine the Great doing it with a bear. Just saying. ADVANTAGE: CAN’T SEE HOW THIS WOULD HELP EITHER TEAM

So, on the field, as in nature, bears and colts are evenly matched, which is why I’m predicting the first tie in the history of the Superbowl, which would, of course, lead us into the first overtime in Superbowl history, at which point the Bears would win because of karma you Colt fuckers! (Note: I am referring here to the Colts as fuckers, not to people who like to have sex with horses - looking in your direction, your Highness.)