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5. Hard Boiled - Teahouse Shootout

(Image reversed for reasons beyond comprehension.)

“We got some great birds.”

The blistering opening sequence to John Woo’s 1992 masterpiece represents the gold standard for Hong Kong gunplay. But it adheres to universal principles that heighten all action sequences.

The first principle is the slow build. The movie begins with jazz. Jazz! Our main characters are two members of a trio we see playing in a club as issues of Exposition Weekly fade into view lamenting rampant gun running that’s ruining Hong Kong. Our hero, Tequila (Chow Yun Fat - De Niro to Woo’s Scorsese), plays the clarinet. The clarinet! We are not expecting this guy to kick anyone’s ass.

We are then taken to a teahouse, a fairly innocuous setting made even more so by the Chinese tradition of bringing in birds (tying in nicely to Woo’s bird obsession). This tradition, incidentally, stopped a number of years ago. Three guesses as to why. But the dulcet tones of birds chirping lay the incongruous groundwork for what will soon be a cacophony of gunfire.

This particular teahouse, it should be noted, is the sole reason this sequence exists. Woo didn’t have a script when he shot this. He didn’t even have a story. And as that is often the problem with most action movies, here it doesn’t seem to matter.

Woo and his crew heard that this location, the historic Wun Loi Dai Cha Lau teahouse in Mong Kok, was about to be torn down. This meant two things. One, they had the opportunity to preserve it on film. Two, they could completely fuck it up without having to worry about putting it back together when they were done.

So, without a script or a story, they just walked in, looked around, and figured it out. As soon as Woo saw the stairway leading up to the teahouse, he envisioned Chow Yun Fat’s historic two-fisted slide down the banister. That’s right. One of the most iconic images in Hong Kong cinema history was made up on the fly.

Another fundamental action principle Woo exploits adeptly here is the power of the moving camera. In a word, Woo’s cinema is kinetic. He never uses a still shot when a moving one will do. And even the pace of the movement within the frame is up for grabs. He’ll cut to slo-mo without missing a beat, or even slow the action down within the same shot. For him, slow motion is not some gimmick. It’s as much a part of the language as the close-up.

It should come as no surprise that Woo was a talented dancer in his youth. To him, action choreography really is choreography. And he dances with his cinematographer as much as his stunt coordinator. As in the greatest movie musicals, the camera dances as skillfully as the dancers themselves. That the term “bullet ballet” was popularized in reference to Woo’s oeuvre is no coincidence.

While moving the camera is hardly new, Woo was one of the first to really bring it to this kind of action sequence. Spielberg’s fairly staid camera in the nonetheless stellar shootout in Raiders comes to mind. Another relatively fresh element Woo brings is the myth of the bulletproof bystander. In most movie shootouts, the crowd is immune when lead gets sprayed. Peckinpah helped to corrode this convention, but Woo just tears it to shreds. Instead of the cliché of the bad guy pushing people out of the way as he runs, he shoots them out of the way. A lot.

One cliché Woo does not improve upon is the partner signing his death warrant by talking about his family while the hero encourages him to get out of town. He might as well say he’s just bought a new boat called the Live-4-Ever.

And now for a bit of completely unsubstantiated film theory: Tequila’s pancaked face at the end represents the identity confusion inherent in the film (vis a vis Tony Leung), echoing the identity confusion inherent in Hong Kong at the time, as it was five years shy of being handed back to China from Britain. So Tequila is, for a moment, British on the surface but Chinese beneath.

Okay, I’ll stop that now.

See also: The rest of Hard Boiled, bar shootout in Desperado, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” sequence in Face/Off, all of The Killer.

Next: The highest-ranking sequence from a non-classic on this list.

Some shoutouts to my peeps who have cause to be congratulated.

Josh’s book is out. I’ve already picked up a copy. Haven’t started it yet, but I can tell you the back cover looks like the bottom of a videocassette and that is awesome.

My friend Amber is now Dr. Watts. She got her PhD from, oh, what’s the name of that podunk, little place in Chicago - oh, that’s right, NORTHWESTERN! She’s wicked smaht. Her dissertation was on schadenfreude in reality television. I hope she turns it into a book like Dr. Greenberg did.

And Baratunde finally got his first Onion headline, and it’s a winner.

And congratulations to Matthew Broderick for rocking the season finale of 30 Rock. I don’t know him, but that doesn’t make his performance kick any less ass.

Reading about this (the first time I can think of a documentary getting a sequel since the Up Series) got me wondering about my own favorite docs, and whether or not Mr. Moore, director of three of the top five highest-grossing docs of all time, figured into that list.

What say you? Tell me your top five, all-time, desert-island docs and I’ll tell you mine.

Third place for Speed Racer. Damn. I wasn’t expecting fireworks, but I thought it would at least put up a fight against the second frame of Iron Man. I was a lot more on target for What Happens in Vegas, which makes my Fantasy Moguls roster happy.

This week, no wide release dares challenge Prince Caspian.

5/16

Wide

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Those kids can’t leave Narnia for two seconds (or, as it happens, 1,000 years) without somebody fucking it all up again.

WILL IT SUCK?
You got yer whole team back again, plus Eddie Izzard and Peter Dinklage. Oh, and according to the runtime listed on IMDB, it’s going to be almost three hours long, so be sure to get extra baked beforehand.

Early buzz is goody-good-good.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Indy presents a challenge the following weekend, but this is even more family-friendly. $267mil.

Limited

REPRISE

(Delayed from March.)

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The trials and tribulations of two writer friends.

WILL IT SUCK?
Really high marks for this latest entry from Norwegian cinema. And, no, I can’t name any other entries from Norwegian cinema.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Gonna need more than “Hey, it’s Norse!” to catch people’s eyes. $500,000.

Next Week: Duh-de-duh-duh! Duh-de-duh!

Leaving for Chicago tonight for Mix Weekend, so that’ll be all for this week. I leave you with even more words about Iron Man. This time I talk about how he’s a superhero for the DIY gadget geek generation.

Have a great weekend!

6. King Kong - The V-Rex Battle

“(Sound that a V-Rex makes)”

The epic brawl between King Kong and a trio of dinosaurs in Peter Jackson’s 2005 remake is an exercise in upping the ante. We begin with Ann Darrow hiding from one Foetedon (big-ass iguana-lookin’ mofo), then two. Then, after a brief foreshadowing of the nasty insect sequence to come, we upgrade to one V-Rex (Skull Island’s extra-evolutionary answer to a T-Rex), then two. Finally, by the time Kong arrives on the scene, Jackson throws in a third V-Rex for good measure.

Jackson refuses to be satisfied with an already sensational premise. He begins with a remake of the classic 1933 battle between Kong and a Tyrannosaur. Giant ape vs. giant lizard. Fair enough. But then he starts asking questions. What if Kong had to take on two of those guys? If two, why not three? Who’d see that coming? And instead of Ann waiting safely in a tree screaming the whole time, what if Kong had to hold her while fighting? (This produces the single most bad-ass move by a giant ape in film history - the mid-battle hand-to-foot blonde toss.)

Most storytellers at this point would say, “You know what? We’ve got a pretty good scene here. Let’s get lunch.” But Jackson says, “Oh, and then they fall into a giant patchwork of vines.”

For all his innovation, Jackson doesn’t forget where Kong comes from. At the end of the sequence, he returns to the simplicity of the original fight, bringing it back down to one giant animal enters, one giant animal leaves, and goes so far as to give Kong the same finishing move - that sickhouse jaw break.

There’s no lack of visual technique at work here. Jackson takes his time with his reveals, introducing each new danger in unexpected ways. And rather than allow his CG creatures play on a static stage, he keeps the camerawork fluid while maintaining the geography of the action.

Aside from proving that CG action choreography can be just as sophisticated as in any martial arts film, the scene also establishes a core dramatic element on which the rest of the film will rely - how much Kong and Ann mean to each other. I’ll pause while you snicker.

But, seriously, dude, how many people would you take a V-Rex chomp for? Or two? Or three? (They chew on his arm a LOT.) But Kong never lets go. He defends Ann to the end, demonstrating that she’s not just another pretty face in a bone necklace that he’ll eventually crush absent-mindedly once he becomes bored with her.

And after seeing Kong pwn that last V-Rex, Ann looks like she’s ready to bear his uncomfortably large ape spawn. I know he’s unemployed, but he’s got his own place and, unlike everyone else on the island, he doesn’t just see her as food.

Kong, of course, plays the moment like a champ. He’s all “You’re looking well,” and then starts to walk away making her chase him. Yeah, that fucker’s read The Game.

See also: The rest of the Skull Island sequence of King Kong, The first T-Rex attack in Jurrasic Park, Final battle in Destroy All Monsters, pretty much anything Ray Harryhausen was involved in.

Next: A film with the classic subtitled dialogue, “Situation with babies bad.”

Are blockbusters getting better or worse?

As a point of reference, here are the movies in question with their ratings…

2007 - 56.6%
Spider-Man 3 - 62%
Shrek the Third - 42%
Transformers - 57%
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - 45%
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 77%

2006 - 50.8%
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest - 54%
Night at the Museum - 44%
Cars - 75%
X-Men: The Last Stand - 56%
The Da Vinci Code - 25%

2005 - 80%
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith - 79%
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - 75%
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 89%
War of the Worlds - 73%
King Kong - 84%

2004 - 73.6%
Shrek 2 - 89%
Spider-Man 2 - 93%
The Passion of the Christ - 50%
Meet the Fockers - 39%
The Incredibles - 97%

2003 - 78.6%
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - 94%
Finding Nemo - 98%
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - 79%
The Matrix Reloaded - 73%
Bruce Almighty - 49%

It’s also interesting to note, however unsurprising, that of the 25 films represented here, only four are based on original screenplays, and three of those four are Pixar films. (The Matrix Reloaded and Meet the Fockers are at least sequels to original screenplays, but everything else here is based on some pre-existing property from another medium, except for King Kong, which is a remake.)

I thought after this weekend Iron Man would be on track for close to $200mil. Try $300mil. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer film.

5/9

Wide

SPEED RACER

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
“Here he comes.” Who? “Here comes Speed Racer.” Who’s that? “He’s a demon on wheels.” Thank you, informative theme song.

WILL IT SUCK?
What’s your tolerance for kitsch? The Wachowskis have decided to play up that aspect of the show (a pretty large aspect, admittedly) rather than create a “bad-ass” version of the TV classic. This could result, maybe, in a surprisingly entertaining, cringe-free experience. But the odds are slim. Not because of the Wachowskis who, more often than not, are adept filmmakers (people remember Matrix Revolutions but forget about Bound). No, because it’s really, really easy to aim for kitsch and hit camp.

Early buzz seems to be, “Well, um, it sure looks good.”
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s not that the show doesn’t have a following, it’s more that I don’t think that many people will trust the flick to not just be an even cheesier version of the show. $140mil.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz get a quickie wedding in Vegas which they regret. But when Kutcher wins $3 million with Diaz’s quarter in a slot machine, they have to stay married for six months to get the money.

WILL IT SUCK?
If you didn’t stop reading at “Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz,” this movie might be for you. From the writer of The Wedding Date. Early buzz is actually good.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
A higher profile cast plus no competition the following week equals more effective counterprogramming than Made of Honor the week before. $66mil.

Limited

FRONTIER(S)

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Fugitives on the run pick the wrong place to hide.

WILL IT SUCK?
Writer/director Xavier Gens’ first American flick, Hitman, arrived last fall while this, his French debut, waited in MPAA hell. In Gens’ defense, he did not write Hitman. Getting favorable comparisons to Saw and Hostel, if you’re into that sort of thing.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Saw and Hostel are not Saw and Hostel anymore. $4mil.

THE FALL

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy in a hospital tells some kid a tale of five people fighting the same evil ruler.

WILL IT SUCK?
Get ready for more trippy visuals from The Cell and “Losing My Religion” director Tarsem Singh. This time he writes, too. They’ve also got a writer from Freejack and Two for the Money on board, so, um, yeah. But, hey, anything to get Lee Pace on the big screen, right? Spike Jonze and David Fincher seem to like it, hence their “presenting” credit. Critics do not seem to like it, but audiences are into it thus far.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Tarsem minus J-Lo equals smaller box office than The Cell. $5mil.

SURFWISE

WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Doc about a doctor who gave it all up to wander the country surfing wherever the day took him. Oh, and he took his nine-kid family with him.

WILL IT SUCK?
From the director of Big Rig, which I heard rocks, and Scratch, which I know rocks. Nabbed the audience award at Gen Art. Early buzz is good.

HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Scratch didn’t do that well, either. $500,000.

Next Week: For the last time, Prince Caspian, you may NOT follow me on Twitter!

So, by a pretty overwhelming majority, the most psyched-for May release is Indiana Jones and the Cave Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which, according to another poll will have either bunnies, raccoons, more snakes, lizards or Tom Cruise clones as the vermin of choice.

My personal votes in those polls are, respectively, Indiana Jones and birds (à la Barbarella).

With the exception of Indy, though, I’m actually more psyched for this than for any other summer release.

Iron Man does what a superhero movie should do. It creates characters you care about and puts them in interesting situations. Come to think of it, that’s what movies in general are supposed to do. Funny how that happens.

In addition, Iron Man pulls the rug out from under a couple of superhero story conventions. One, our character begins not as a pitiable victim, but as a douchebag arms manufacturer who pretty much gets what he deserves. Robert Downey Jr.’s pitch perfect performance as Tony Stark makes us love the douchebag as much as the hero. Two, this superhero is not afraid to get involved in geopolitical conflicts, a big no-no for most of the pantheon of tights-wearers. (There’s a bonus rule he breaks, but it’d give away too much to identify it here.)

Downey makes the film. He creates the first superhero alter ego you’d want to get a beer with. You’re not just sitting around waiting for the next action sequence because it’s just as much fun (if not more) to watch Downey be Downey. I first realized this when I saw Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (a must if you haven’t seen it already) and have noted it in every Downey performance since (esp. Zodiac). Though he’s obviously been around for a lot longer, he’s had a welcome resurgence in the ’00’s, of which this performance may be the pinnacle.

But the real revelation here is director Jon Favreau, whose crowning achievement thus far had been preventing Elf from devolving into mindless treacle. While he doesn’t invent a new directing style or anything here, he makes very smart choices to give the film it’s own energy. Simple choices like showing part of the suit testing phase from the point of view of the robot cameras recording it (producing one of the funniest gags in the film). This adds a fresh, YouTube-ish quality that brings something culturally relevant to the party.

The villain, a crucial part of any origin story, is a little lackluster and the final battle is actually one of the least interesting sequences in an otherwise engaging film. But that’s about all it has going against it.

The hype, which by now you’ve probably heard enough of, is justified.