For a number of years now, I’ve been attempting to predict the winner of the Super Bowl based on who would win in a football game between the teams’ namesakes. I’ve done this so many times now that, apparently, this match up has happened before.
Since this is an election year, let’s make things interesting. Instead of picking the winner based on who would win in a fight between actual giants and actual patriots, I’ll pick it based on who would win a presidential election between a giant and a patriot.
ABILITY TO KICK ASS FOREIGN POLICY
The patriot has a long history of winning wars, and a shorter one of what we’ll generously call “ties.” The giant, on the other hand, can just walk over to any country, make a flicking motion and destroy most anything that’s pissing us off. Then he could say, “You just got America’d!” or something. And it’d be really loud, too, cos’ he’s a giant.
ADVANTAGE: GIANT
PATRIOTISM
Um…
ADVANTAGE: PATRIOT
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN
Patriot: “If you don’t vote for him, you know what that makes you, right?”
Giant: “He could fucking eat you.”
ADVANTAGE: EVEN
DEBATES
No matter who actually “won” the debate, the visual of the patriot being dwarfed by the giant’s left ankle would be pretty tough to shake.
ADVANTAGE: GIANT
MONEY SPENT ON HOMELAND SECURITY VIS A VIS SECRET SERVICE DETAIL
With the plethora of haters out there, the patriot would need all the secret service he could get (hmm, sounds dirty). What is somebody going to do the giant? Seriously. Unless they got Voltron or some shit, homeboy is going where he pleases.
ADVANTAGE: GIANT
“THE ISSUES”
This is a presidential election. Go watch PBS, you fucking nerd!
ADVANTAGE: EVEN
HEIGHT
If you consider that 18 of the winners of the past 28 presidential elections were taller than their opponents, it’s clear that size matters. Also, many, many voters will become obsessed with the size of the giant’s cock, which will just be incomprehensibly massive.
ADVANTAGE: GIANT…OH, GOD, THE GIANT
The giant would win the election in a landslide, which he probably caused (I’m here all week) and, therefore, the Giants will win the Super Bowl in a similar fashion. You’re welcome.






























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